BERNIE THE BOLLARD PART 6

BELLA’S STORY

Now if you’re a woman you will have been there. You’re his first girlfriend, right, and he’s very keen, can’t wait for you to come into the room, rushes forward. He wants to spend all his time kissing and fondling. Too intense, you know, too clingy, too hot and he’s in love with you. Hey that’s fine I don’t blame him, I’m something else, look at this body, look at the paintwork, no wonder he’s in love with me. But we’re young, we had only been going out a few weeks and he’s talking about getting engaged. As if my parents would agree me still at private bollard school and him not always going to school.

You know who I mean; that Bernie who styles himself Bernie the Bollard, right. Do I go around calling myself Bella the Bollard, do you go round calling yourself, Moonface (no offence) the Human –no. Your just who you are, right, first names and second name right. No one goes around named something the something. Sorry about the Moonface but that’s how we bollards see you humans as moonfaces. We can tell you apart, but you claim not to be able to tell us bollards apart. I admit Bernie looks like the rest of his family but that is just in-breeding. If one of his family were trying to ring your bell you would be able to tell which is which.

So we get thrown together down by the Birmingham canal I’m doing my evening security job looking after the ICC building and he comes along, all full of himself sat on the Aquarius boat with his two mates. To be honest I was more interested in the rope that was with him. High quality, if you know what I mean, smooth exterior. Bet that rope knows how to treat and caress a bollard. I only spoke to Bernie in the hope that the rope would join in and get interested. But Bernie was amusing I’ll give him that, made me laugh with his stories. So I agreed to go out with him, a rock venue at the James Brindley pub just what I like, plenty of go, bang and wallop. That venue is not Bernie he just sat there trying to stroke my metalwork, hoping to get at my seams. A couple of weeks and he’s trying to get inside my bell whilst we’re in the pub, so we had to stop going and just met up, quite like. But you soon get tired of spending your date fending off a young bollard. I let him down gently, restricted the dates to one a week, and then skipped a couple. Then let it peter out, sent him a Dear John letter in the end, well what can you do, it’s no use dumping them bollard to bollard. Have you ever tried to dump a bollard? Not something you should attempt; there’s always screaming and wailing if it all goes wrong and your foot is in danger. So I sent a letter and did not realise it arrived on Valentine’s Day, how was I to know he thought it was a valentine. And him, for all his so called humour could not see the funny side of that one.


And there was Steven, he is an upmarket security executive at a jewellers in New Street the main shopping street in Birmingham. Much taller than Bernie and a gorgeous silver body which, wait for it, he can make go up and down. How fabulous is that for a young bollard girl like me. Well he had always made a fuss of me when I had been out shopping, and its half Bernie’s fault, he took me to the jewellers to look at engagement rings. Not that he could afford any of them, just wanted to look and dream. Steven can afford a decent ring with his wages as a security executive and he gets a discount. Soon he says we will be able to get engaged, he has to look after his sister at the moment, and can’t commit himself. You see what a lovely bollard he is, putting off his future so he can look after his sister. And he’s so exciting, there’s a steel edge to him, other bollards don’t get too close to him, they keep their distance. He makes a girl seem – well protected, you know what I mean. He was brought in after a ram raid on the shop and he insisted on bringing his sister. So you see how brave and dedicated he is, he has stopped ram raids just by being there but so brave to be able to stand up against a ram vehicle. And dedicated to his sister, insisting she came along, she’s quite aloof but has given me some tips like on deportment - holding my head up, ‘Don’t slouch, Bella’ she always says. Am I going on too long about Steven, sorry about that but he has brought something different into my life, an excitement and if I’m honest I like the uncertainty – living on the edge.

Bernie says he is going to travel which I think is best for him, it won’t do him any good hanging around here like a stray bollard, about as useful as a British Waterways price rise. No my future is with Steven, his silver body next to mine, his shiny top with his cute built-in-lock next to mine. Just think of the children we could have his silver surface with my bell shape we could produce silver bell bollards, populate the world with them. A know there have been others before me with Steven, but I’m sure this is it for him, no more line of bollards one after the other. He can put down concrete roots with me, a settled existence. See if I can get his sister hooked up with one of those new electric bollards outside the Mailbox, that would be a step up for her, she would like that.


Once Bernie goes travelling he will forget all about me, I will become a distant memory, a forgotten bollard, just one of many bollards he knew in Birmingham. I know he’s hurting now, sobbing his little metal heart out, but he will get over me, the bollard will move on. “Bella who?” he will be asking. We were not made to be, my future is not on the canals like Bernie’s, my future is in security. That’s what I do now and in the future perhaps I can stand outside the jewellers with Steven, imagine that Steven and me on New Street watching the crowds together, for ever.