BERNIE THE BOLLARD PART 3

LOVE IN A CHOCOLATE WORLD

Hi, it's me, Bernie the Bollard. I thought you would like to know I have had a communication from my cousin Bertha. She’s a bollard outside Cadbury World on the Birmingham and Worcester canal. She has met a nice bollard down at Bourneville and is getting married. I have received a note inviting me to the wedding. People do this - send you an invitation knowing that you can’t attend. I am needed here looking after the tourists at Brindley Place. No, these invitations are just an attempt to get me to send a present. Now what would you give to a nice bollard that’s just getting joined – ironmongery I suppose.



Bertha says she was listening to an old boater, well that’s all you can do with an old boater – listen. He was very interesting like most of those who did actually boat, not just those who dress up for outings. Now I have to be careful or some dressers up will come and kick me in the letters page. Any way this old boater was saying that the chocolate boats used to have a stock of Cadbury’s bars to hand out to children when they were passing through Birmingham. David said he had to hand out chocolate at Northampton in order to pass through unmolested, an expensive and grovelling way of dealing with youths swimming in a lock in my opinion. The children in the olden days found their way onto the towpath, to watch and ‘help’ with the boats. Of course, back then the general public were not allowed on several areas of the towpaths as they were private.

Private towpaths. Imagine there's no fishermen - it's easy if you try; no cyclists speeding by us, only sky and boats; imagine all the people not being able to walk their dogs. Imagine there's no dog droppings for you to stand in, no thoughts of wanting to rub the owner’s nose in it. Imagine all the boaters living life in peace. Now you may say that I’m a dreamer but I’m not the only one. I hope someday you’ll join us bollards in wanting boats to have priority on the canals and the boating world will live as one. Imagine no possessions being stolen from boats, no ropes being untied. Imagine a brotherhood of boaters sharing all the world of canals. Now I pinched some of that from a bloke called John who sat on a friend of mine at Albert Dock in Liverpool writing a song. Don’t know what happened to him. But I was thinking, isn’t that sort of thing – putting boaters first - what the IWA is supposed to do? Not that we would want to exclude people, the canals are for all, but it might bring into context BW statements that boating is a hobby and should not be subsidised. It’s more than a hobby for most of those boaters. It’s a way of life that keeps the canals alive for the rest. Surely that’s worth a little subsidiary from big John, the politician not the song writer.



This old boater told of how he crewed a working boat from Birmingham to London – fast; three days he was claiming. No way I thought. I want to go to London and it will take me a lot more than 3 days. Now one thing I believe he was right on was that they never closed a gate nor dropped a lock paddle. I believe him on that. We now have lots of rules for boating, ones they didn’t have, not in the old commercial boating days. Four miles an hour? A bit more than that I bet you. Slowing down for moored boats? Not in your dreams. All those paranoid moorers who shout at boats going past should have been there in the old days. Not that I think that boats should not slow down, they should or they will all end up like that David character pulling out bollards like me.

It’s a thought though isn’t it? I mean I’m a dull bollard but I can see that in the old days boating was much different - fewer rules and regulation. Why do all the boaters close the lock gates after them? BW says it’s to save water but I’ve scratched my flathead and can’t see why closing the gates saves water. I will try to listen next time a millboard man from Watford arrives in Birmingham. He will know.

Mind you people look back to days gone by as if it was a golden age. There was no golden age. Most boat people were cold, hungry and overworked. They worked in a world of grime. Imagine what it was like moving coal by boat on the Manchester, Bolton & Bury Canal. I heard Fred Dibnah died the other day. He was President of the Manchester, Bolton & Bury Canal Trust. I watched him on the television the other day. I was peeping through a boat window - they didn’t have the curtains closed. Fred was talking about the Bolton & Bury canal. What a great man, what a raconteur he could make you laugh and cry at the same time. I think steam was his blood and heritage his veins, we bollards will not see his like again.
Still, if they are looking for a new president they could do worse than pick a solid, firm, flathead. Like, like Bernie the Bollard.

I’m hoping to be there at the opening of the Manchester, Bolton and Bury canal I think it will be a really great occasion, one of the significant points of Canal restoration. Don’t want the restoration rushed though, we want a canal that can be used by boaters or it won’t be a success. Let me give a few presidential hints to all those doing the hard work whilst I sit on my fat end. A good navigation channel, if you can’t get a boat down the canal it is not restored. Secure moorings - I suspect that they may be a spot of vandalism in parts of the canal stretch. If boaters are going to be attracted to the canal it has to be safe, therefore create fenced off, secure moorings for boaters; it won’t cost much – honest. Facilities, please BW make sure there are sanitary stations and a couple of your pumpout machines. There is nothing worse than when the boat needs to go that there is no where to go. You can’t cross your legs when you’re a boat you know. See You.

The opinions of Bernie the Bollard are not necessary those of the author, although I do know that Bernie is only trying to help.